✨SPOILERS AHEAD✨

Turn back, ye who have not read this part of the book!!! You gone? Okay.

Welcome to week 3 of the Soulgazer Summer Readalong, as we wrap up the themes of power, choice, and autonomy, healing from trauma, and more.

brona’s revelation

Chapter 37 brings a revelation by Brona about her sister—underscoring not only her own complicated reactions to Saoirse and her upbringing, but to the themes of power touched on throughout the book.

From the beginning, Saoirse observed her mother cowering though she’d never seen Dermot lay a finger on her. Like Brona’s sister, there was no need to. Dermot held an overwhelming amount of power in both relationships, using coercion to manipulate their consent. This lies in contrast with Faolan, who holds similar power in his relationship with Saoirse (he is the captain, holds all the information, his crew is loyal and his network vast) but crucially, does not abuse it. And any time he comes close, or starts to manipulate, it is Brona more than any of the others who keeps him in check.

Brona, also, gives us a much-needed insight into why their quest for the Isle of Lost Souls is so important. Her pain is raw because her sister’s spirit is restless, and she has no chance to heal until her sister can move on—underscoring the conflict at the heart of their world.

“i feel nothing. i want nothing. i am nothing.”

Disassociation was my first ever diagnosis—my brain’s attempt to cope with trauma I’d once endured. I remember the out of body experience of it. How I would go “away” even in moments I wanted to linger, because of what my body had endured. The funny thing is, I thought it was a blessing. My mind’s way of keeping me safe.

So when I wrote Saoirse, I knew I wanted to explore that further. To make it more explicit: something she welcomes and internalizes as a way to move through the world, no matter how warped and wrong the armor. “I feel nothing” would dim the magically-enhanced emotions constantly swirling through her veins. “I want nothing” would dull her senses, contain the stain on her soul. “I am nothing” would be better than the truth: that she was everything at once, carrying not only herself but all the souls of the people around her.

And then, after everything, I wanted her to let it go. Because it’s no longer serving her, and even when it did, it was just another type of harm, separating her from herself.

“no.”

On page 311, there is a moment that means everything to me: Saoirse says no, and Faolan listens.

So much of their relationship to this point is defined by discovery: of Saoirse’s voice and personhood as well as Faolan’s vulnerabilities and wounds. Through every encounter, she is encouraged to make choices and stand by them, speak her mind, claim her desires, and develop knowledge of herself—a lot of which lead to “yes.”

But here in this moment, though her interest is piqued and she wants him, when he holds out his hand and offers her pleasure…she says no. A no that is respected and given space, proven to be just as important as her “yes” because it’s HERS.

one for sorrow, two for joy

After branding the tattoo off her, Saoirse asks why Faolan married her and he quips at first, then says it’s because she was dressed as a magpie the night they met.

The motif of the magpie is threaded throughout the entire series, from the old nursery rhyme which offers hints for the rest of the series as well as the secret, seventh island, but also for their affiliation with the spirit world and omens. Both Faolan and Saoirse are magpies in a sense—he collects trinkets, people, stories. She collects memories and observations, holding onto every touch.

useless girl, part 1

Ri Dermot represents many things in this book: the patriarchy, abuse of power, authoritarian rule—so when Saoirse reaches out to him one last time in a desperate plea for love and approval, several people were frustrated or confused.

Let me try and clear this up.

Much like we talked about with purity culture last week, when you’ve been raised in a certain value system in which your primary goal is perfection (obedience, submission, living by that authority’s rules without question), even if you’re doing everything you can to break away from it, those roots run incredibly deep.

Add to that fact he was Saoirse’s father, and she does possess memories of affection no matter how distant they are, the dissolution of their relationship and in particular his hold over her was always going to be sticky and complex. But it was important for me to lean into that complexity rather than strip it back—because it’s not as simple as “just walk away.” For most people in abusive relationships like this, be it with an individual or a system, there are so many barriers to leaving and so many reasons to stay, no matter how fragile they may be.

Saoirse does persevere in this story. She fights back. Escapes. Lives on. But it’s not without doubts, and it’s not without wounds, though the hope is that eventually, with enough tending, they will heal.

one perfectly honest thing between us

Not much to say about this chapter except that page 401 has a hint for what’s to come in Wolftamer — the magical connection these two share, beyond just the physical and emotional.

But I love this scene, and love even more that not much has changed from the first time I ever wrote it, tucked under a blanket with Strange (featuring Hillary Smith) from Bridgerton season 1 blasting on repeat.

true sight

Armed with her grandmother’s ring and magic that’s fully unlocked, Saoirse is the only one who can see the potential of the island when they reach it, seeing it as it once was. Her sensitive spirit is a boon here—her ability to see past the damage and decay to the heart of the thing, holding hope for it even as others begin to doubt.

we are going to break each other

There is a moment during the climax that I remember re-opening my manuscript to write. It was after the last revision was due, when the publisher was ready to move forward, but something in me kept tugging. Whispering to slow down. Try again.

When Saoirse kneels in the muck, preparing to sacrifice herself, and Faolan rages at gods he hardly believes in to spare her—there was a moment missing. A pause the story desperately needed, for them to see each other clearly: no more skirting around the other, no more pretense. Separated by a barrier and choice they’ve spent the entire book priming Saoirse to make, we see the fullness of what they’ve meant to each other—both their legends, and their reality.

It’s also the only scene in the entire book that made me cry to write.

tipping scales

“It’s too late, Saoirse. I’m already in love with you.”

The final scene in the book between them, in which Faolan declares his love for Saoirse with equal parts awe and despair, carries so much weight because it represents the last bit of power leaving his hands. Suddenly, she is the one with magic and prestige, bound by an oath to Kiara but still having a clear place in the world while Faolan is left with the bloody, tattered shirt on his back. Ship burned, crew scattered, the last secret he has is lain freely at her feet, tipping the scales out of balance in a full circle to where they were at the beginning, only this time it’s Faolan at the bottom while Saoirse rests precariously on top.

From a writing standpoint, it was incredibly satisfying to play with this dynamic throughout the book—and to explore Faolan in his new position in book 2. Their romance shifts from “will they/won’t they” to “can they,” and we’re left waiting to see what could possibly happen next.

epilogue

Originally, this was written in Saoirse’s POV like the rest of the book. Because originally, it was a standalone (okay okay, there was always room for a sequel and ideas floating in the back of my mind).

But come spring of 2023, after I’d spent months grieving the YA version of this story that died in the query trenches (RIP To the Waters and the Wild), I got an itch one night. A persistent, irritating urge to feel the salt on my skin and the wind striking my face. I hadn’t written in months, but at a Panera Bread one night sitting across my dear friend Megan E. Beam (shout out), I decided what the hell and opened a Word doc just to test it out.

And…I didn’t hate it. In fact, I fucking loved it.

3 years later, that line still hasn’t changed.

Soulgazer Readalong | Chapters 37-Epilogue