Soulgazer Readalong | Chapters 18-36
✨SPOILERS AHEAD✨
Turn back, ye who have not read this part of the book!!! You gone? Okay.
Welcome to week 2 of the Soulgazer Summer Readalong in which we pretend I’m posting this Monday as we tackle themes of purity culture, relationships with pleasure and autonomy, self-definition, and more.
In the Dark
In the original story, Faolan was going to keep his crew in the dark about their quest. It wasn’t until several drafts in that the quest for the Isle of Lost Souls became THE THING—talked about at the Damhsa, spurring Saoirse on to run away, giving Kiara political leverage, etc.
Found Family
Brona & Saoirse were always going to have a contentious beginning, but their friendship was planned from the start—as was the crew’s embrace of her, though that too was hard-won. At the start, Saoirse is an enigma to the crew, and her understanding of the world is challenged by them at every turn. It’s a necessary clash, and one that ultimately results in mutual respect and growth, but to get there required Saoirse to find ways to make herself “useful,” sparking conflict at times and forcing herself to claim space and exchange trust at others.
My favorite scene underlining this is the wolf tattoo—a late addition that became incredibly important as it forces Saoirse to make the choice of permanence. This is no longer temporary, it’s not convenient. She claims them now, and in turn they claim her.
Making Choices
In this section of chapters, we see Saoirse making clear choices—ones she cannot downplay, avoid, or take back. Importantly, they also come with a cost. To make them requires her to release beliefs she’d previously clutched tight, to take leaps of faith though she’s been taught her whole life explicitly not to trust herself. It requires vulnerability—a feat considering her trauma—but it also underscores the fact that her feet will not fail her if she takes that step. Her bones will not break. She is not the fragile, broken thing she’s been led to believe. She has teeth, and she can bite if needed.
“I’m sorry”
Growth is exhilarating, but it rarely comes without consequences. In spite of her choices, bravery, and growing friendships, Saoirse continues to say “I’m sorry”—something I am still working to break the habit of in myself. Apologizing for imagined failings. For not fighting her attacker off better (re: ambush by Maccus’s men). For taking up any space at all. This is a painful relic of purity culture, one I saw emulated in so many women growing up—sorry for speaking, sorry for wanting, sorry the meal isn’t perfect, that I am not perfect, sorry, sorry, sorry.
My hope is that some of those women will read her character and realize they don’t need to apologize. That their existence is valid and allowed to be full. That they are allowed to want more, be more, and it’s a cruel thing to live with the impulse of “sorry” on your tongue.
Touch-Starved
I saw a trade review once that made me laugh, calling Saoirse a “meek, virginal heroine” who needs “her worldly savior” to teach her about sex. It is a wildly reductive take—one that I’ll discuss further on the blog—but I will say this now: if you’ve never been told from infancy not to trust your body, emotions, desires, thoughts, feelings, etc—that it is sinful and dangerous to want anything at all…I guess maybe you would see it that way.
Unfortunately, not all of us have that luxury.
Saoirse has been touch-starved from childhood, as her magic reacts most strongly to physical contact with other souls. The one time she did not heed this understanding, her brother died. At this point in the story, it’s not just sexual touches that are a hurdle for her—it’s simple, every day intimacies she’s having to re-learn from the moment she steps foot on Faolan’s ship.
Beyond that, it is a HUGE undertaking to name her pleasure, let alone give it voice or action. Saoirse has to fight 22 years of programming and the knowledge their relationship is false for every single kiss, every stroke—every moment shared between them.
Yes, it is that deep.
The Cove
Added during the revision from YA to Adult, the cove is another turning point—even more than their first, real kiss after she nurses Faolan back to health. Choices have been made, the crew has embraced her, they’ve had an encounter with their enemies, and in a very real way, we’ve seen Faolan’s mythical persona slip. He’s made massive mistakes, risked Saoirse’s life, been secretive to a fault, and they’ve all reaped the consequences.
It’s a moment in which Faolan was trying to be alone to recover his identity, tugging the wolf cloak tighter, but Saoirse choose to stay. To see his wounds, sit with him as he recovers. And when the moment arises for her to indulge her curiosity, he in turn sits with her. Answers questions, guides her hand when asked. Sheds his own judgements, and in a very real way we see that initial power imbalance self-correct—if only for a moment.
Black Market
We come to the promise of the premise—the pirate scenes. An attack by enemy sailors! A black market! But also, a mysterious encounter in which we learn the term “Soulgazer” for the first time and Saoirse is asked to identify herself. To define the nature of her magic as she understands it now, and to clearly confront the notions she grew up believing as well as the labels placed upon herself and her power—the fear wrapped up in both.
Touching a Standing Stone
Of course, this moment is partly a nod to Outlander, but touching the standing stone on Scath-Diol represents the final choice Saoirse must make to reach for her magic, not shy away or tamp it down, and funny enough, it also reveals how Faolan’s priorities are rapidly changing. He’s not so eager for Saoirse to jump in—hesitates when she reaches for danger, rather than spouting out his usual phrase: “think of the reward, never the risk.” We see how the gods might have a hand in all this—and for the first time, gather an inkling that maybe Faolan is not so flippant as he seems. And just as Saoirse was asked to define herself, we see a new purpose for her magic after all.
Two notes: blood was always important to this story, and choice is vital to understand.
Truth Comes Out
We reach the midpoint fight, where Saoirse is immediately mythologized again, and both her and Faolan’s secrets come to a head. This is one of my favorite scenes in the entire duology—where they confront one another’s lies and identities, calling out the bullshit only to be faced with the desire and yearning left in its wake.
It’s when Saoirse sees Faolan for exactly who he is: a lonely, damaged creature, just as she’d always been, while Faolan realizes Saoirse’s strength and purpose, and the ways she’s expertly played her own hand. It’s an explosion of tension and desire, an exchange of old, tender wounds. The scales of power are finally balanced—and it’s all about to come crashing down if they don’t move.
Soul Bargain
Thus begins the ticking clock. Faolan’s secret brings together several things at once: the gods’ involvement, his own relationship with soulstones and magic, and the foil he presents to her character: where she is risk averse, constantly avoiding magic to survive, he dove headfirst and—has 1 month before he dies?
I’ll be honest, I didn’t know about her grandmother or where the magic originated when I came up with this secret. I didn’t realize how it would affect them in book 2, or rock the world to its knees by the end. All I knew was that when their bodies collided and every barrier broke down, something else glimmered in my mind: an abalone mark on the pirate’s palm. A last gamble that just might snuff the legend out.
Saoirse the Pirate
After the crew is told of Saoirse’s magic and they all board Rian’s ship, there were two places to go: either Saoirse could regress, retreating into familiar yet lonely walls inside herself, or she could challenge the crew’s assumptions with candor and courage, and let the pieces fall where they may.
In doing so, Saoirse names herself without any more hesitations or caveats. She is a wolf now. A pirate who will take on the position of power, and ask for their belief, offering up a personal sacrifice along the way: she will go to her father’s isle, to the home that so deeply injured her, and confront her past to further their collective goal.