Thoughts Gleamed While Selling Tickets at the MS State Fair

1. People are practically willing to barter their first-born children to get in without paying for a $5 ticket.

2. Also, people who come in thinking entrance is free get really salty. Like a pretzel. Mmm pretzel.

3. Lord, Mississippi dental care has a lot to answer for. I've never seen so many jacked up teeth. Or gold teeth. I feel like if I had gold teeth, I'd pretend to be a pirate all day. Aargh! I wish there was a pirate emoji.

4. Also, my butt REALLY hurts from yoga yesterday. Stupid lunges.

5. The way the carnival music is distantly echoing in this cold, metal box (aka the ticket booth) reminds me of Zombieland. That's terrifying. Wait...is that a growl? Oh, no, that's just the A/C unit.

6. Aaaand here comes the confused "But I thought it was free" crowd again. Listen up, young ones (and middle-aged business people): nothing in life is free.

7. Oh God, sweaty boob money! Please, lady, for the love—carry a purse! I use my bra too sometimes, I get it, though really there's not much room for storage. Let's just be real though, a 90+ degree day at the fair in Mississippi of all places is NOT the time for boob money.

8. Poor senior citizens. I would let you have a discount, but the ticket master is strict.

9. Seriously, the ticket guy was nice enough at the start, but he's deaf as a doornail and crazy strict! Mississippi State Fair proprietors do not mess around. Even for sweet old ladies (minus the boob money ones).

10. What is a doornail, anyway? Where did that expression come from?

11. Okay, how are those security guards NOT smelling all the weed?! I feel like I need a shower after this, just to wash that skunky smell off!

12. Actually, a shower is probably necessary on principle.

13.  Aw, seeing families is actually really sweet, especially when the dad is with them. Dad's are awesome. I really miss my dad...oh crap, did I ever call him back?

14. *checks phone* No....no, I did not.

15. ...okay, that kid is so not five years old.

16. Ha, then again, my family was great about using that trick to get kids free stuff. I'm pretty sure I was seven for about twelve years, when we went out anywhere.

17. Really though, I have mad respect for my parents for taking us to the Montgomery fair and other things like that, because this place is a money pit! And they had 3-6 children, depending on the time of year!

18. My kids are going to get a backyard fair. Everything is a quarter! Tire swings and bobbing for apples, pet the camel (which is secretly our dog with a pillow strapped to his back)...on second thought, I'm depressing myself. *sigh* Better start a savings account for trips to the fair now.

19. Poor old people. Seriously, senior citizens and military really should be free, or at least get a good discount, on entrance fees.

20. Aaaaand a lady just came into the booth, freaking out because we've been giving tickets to kids for free. Oops. Thanks for not explaining ahead of time? I mean, hey, y'all said that everyone needed to have a ticket.

21. Gosh, I'd kill for a funnel cake.

22. ...have my thighs always looked like that? Nope, no funnel cake.

23. Okay, if this "supervisor" yanks that door open one more time...

24. Or pops his head around the corner to stare at us through the glass. Really. it's not my fault you brought in free volunteers to handle all this money.

25. Fine, I won't lie. I did look over all this dough and a few un-Christian thoughts did pop in my head, but then I remembered that I would like to have a successful career and fulfilled life, not one spent behind bars. So don't worry about the crumpled, sweat-stained bills. They're safe.

26. Ugh, these has been the longest five hours I've ever spent. Three minutes left.

27. And the dude just popped his head in saying we can't leave until our replacements come. Really? Who's going to stop me?

28. Ooh, I've developed a bit of an attitude being in this box. See why I wouldn't do well in prison?

29. ...did he just slam the door to keep us inside? Oh, heck naw!

30. Is a clown going to come axe murder us in a second, for wanting to leave? Is this like a gang? You can't get out without going through a beating? I wish I hadn't left my brass knuckles at home.

31. Brass knuckles. Do those things actually exist anymore?

32. We've been saved! Au revoir, fair. It's been...an experience. I probably won't see you again, since my wallet cries at the thought, but don't worry: it's not me, it's you.

Disclaimer: I actually did enjoy my time at the fair last year, going with friends. This is, in no way, a slamming of the MS State Fair, but rather a comedic stream of thoughts. And full disclosure: I did break down and get curly fries.