During the summers of my childhood, I transformed into a new, magical being who went by the name 'Ruby' or 'Diamond' or sometimes 'Glitter.' My hair would grow long, thick, and curly (despite being submerged in salt water all day) and I would have new powers to play with water and speak to dolphins. Most importantly though, my legs would suddenly be sealed together and encased in a beautifully scaled tail of (insert favorite color of the day), which would be my pride and joy!
Yes, I would turn into a mermaid.
Believe you me, this was a real thing! I even had rules about how, once I was on land and dried off, I could change back into a biped until my next time in the water, so as not to harm the illusion. This story arch continued for years, developing to the point where the public pool we went to became a mad scientist's research facility, or an aquarium we'd been trapped inside and needed rescuing from. Of course, with age came an insistence by others to grow up, so I abandoned my tail and began to learn things like the backstroke and diving.
Little did I know that my thighs would never forget those valuable lessons learned in the water.
The Year of the Thigh Gap made me laugh hysterically, because no way was I going to convince my thighs to separate. Like Bonnie and Clyde, they've taken a vow to stick together until the end and I've made my peace with it. In fact, I feel a little bad in the winter, when they're constantly separated by tights or pants. Still, if the cold months are torture for these two besties, they certainly make it up in the summer and fall.
These guys will do anything to stick together! It's amazing, really, just how fast the inseam of a pair of shorts can disappear so they can snuggle up once more, and they certainly hate it when I tug the barrier back into place. In the absence of a pool, they make sure to sweat enough to stick together no matter what, because by golly, they knew they were supposed to be a tail!
If only I hadn't trained them so well.
Having mermaid thighs isn't all bad, though, thanks to icons like Marilyn Monroe and Rebel Wilson. I never have to worry about my legs getting cold, or of looking ridiculous in an Ariel costume. Having thick thighs just means there's more lap space for friends and babies to sit, and if the day ever comes when I jump in the ocean and magically transform, I have just the right seashell bra to go with my new tail.